Recover from exasperation
Try this: Ask “what” and “how” questions to understand challenging behavior, build trust, and invite your learners to participate in problem-solving.
We all have a lot on our minds and it’s often the case that what seems clear in our own heads does not get clearly articulated to someone else – particularly when they are very young and interpret things literally or have limited experiences to make accurate assumptions. Instead of assuming we know why a child seems to be acting difficult or is not following instructions, we can try to “what” and “how” our way into understanding and a mutually agreeable solution. When new patterns of behavior are called for, we must then also be willing, patient, and consistent partners.
For example, imagine that you are addressing what seems to be a young child’s disregard of instructions: What did I ask you to do? -> …And what are you doing? -> …How could you do that in a way that follows classroom rules? (And if you’ve got a different answer in mind or want them to think of additional options) …That’s possible…and what else could you do?
If you get initial responses that are like “I’m doing what you told me to,” rather than saying “No you’re not,” consider something like, “And what is that?” Your goal here is to help the other person articulate how they interpreted your instructions. Questions that can be answered ‘yes’ or ‘no’ shut down conversation and imply you don’t care about the other person’s perspective. In contrast, What and How questions encourage the other person to contribute to a more productive conversation.
The answers you receive through this strategy may surprise you. Along the way, you may find that your initial instructions or feedback were not very clear. Sometimes you will find that the instructions themselves WERE clear, but the other person would have needed to draw an assumption to perform the behavior you actually wanted (think saying “I’m cold” to illicit the behavior “shut the window”).